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Lewa is in distress

Howdy

My name is Lewa! Fragments would come and go and I could never quite describe myself in a way that satisfied that itch of knowing who I am. But now, more than ever, I know what I need to say I know what I am. I am is in distress and I need help. I am a 25 year old queer artist escaping an abusive evangelical family. This is a huge change and I need support now more than I ever.

Due to the nature of the abuse inflicted upon me, I have a very difficult time asking for help. My ability to live my own life has been taken from me to the greatest extent that it can and I’m very exhausted. My deadline for being out of my abuser’s house is the end of November.

What you can do!

Firstly I ask that if you or someone you know needs a roommate, do get in touch!! My goal is to move to albany I’m always happy to entertain an inquiry, I have some current leads and a backup if I can’t find anyone, but I would like to at least stay in New York in the Hudson Valley, Albany (or pehaps NYC) to make moving out easier. However, I’m open to moving out of state!

You can message me through one of the platforms below, and if you’d rather contact through phone number, then feel free to ask in the dms! If you would like to donate money, feel free to DM me about that, however, my Kofi is public if you’d like to donate there.

Discord: tigergaj
Signal: @tigergaj.17
🦋Bsky

All I ask is that you humbly consider whether this website I’ve been creating over the past year is worth a tip according to whatever amount of subjective value it’s provided to you. And if you’re at all worried about your own financial state then there’s nothing wrong with selfishly enjoying something you get for free! I want to create out in the open and believe deeply in the free distribution of information and I plan on keeping it that way. So if you witnessed this sucker writing down their feelings for free on the internet and could spare the chump change; then I would be deeply appreciative.

I love myself now, more than ever

All things considered, I am very stressed out, but very excited for the future. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it feels so good to finally know that I have a way out. I am extremely proud of myself for getting this far. I’ve started journaling and going on daily walks and trying my best to take care of myself. I cannot wait to push my true potential to the limits.

With love for myself and whoever reads this,

~ Lewa 💚

About me!

I'm a 25 year old nonbinary artist in pursuit of understanding understanding itself, that is my mission. I am quite passionate about art, learning, archivism, and hedonism. I'm gonna try to start moving into this blog more. Social Media has so far been a failed experiment and I wish to carve out a place for myself that feels like it's actually mine!


Gender

I'd describe my found gender as something between a Fae and a Nonbinary Fem. I'm not nearly as concerned about the words, although I do have a very fun time expressing myself with them! gender is not as simple as changing what words you use. If you'd like to be more gender affirming, then I ask you to consider how you may treat men and women differently and eliminate that process when you interact with me.

Fae/Faer/Faem

Fae, (as in the germanic root for faerie) pronounced like "they", "Faer" like "their", "Faem" like "game". To be honest I just sort of plug them in wherever they fit, I wouldn't worry too hard about it.

They/Them/Theirs

Do I even need to explain it?


Directory

Photo Dump
Lewa's Poetry
Blog Posts

Come Out

Everything is Impermanent
I've been looking at this person in the mirror

My most recent posts:

A creature sees a creature in the mirror

Awaken,

open your eyes.

Breathe in, Breath out.

Remove covering of warmth and add another.

Stand.

Walk.

Clean.

Walk.

Walk.

Look,

Look into the mirror.

What do you see?

I see a creature.

What do you see?

I see a creature.


Moss Thief

Moss Thief

I would get lost in her eyes the most
her voice an ocean of intoxicating clouds
her locks guiding me
from her neck
to her lips
to those eyes
I’d let those hungry eyes consume me
I could spend years wondering
I could spend a lifetime chasing those eyes

but I won't
after all, it’s awfully embarrassing to be burgled
she got her moss, I have plenty of it
I wanted to give her a forest full of it
but I won’t

and one evening
those eyes wanted my moss
and just like that
she took my moss
I let her take it, I'd do anything for those eyes
I helped her steal my moss from me
but not anymore

~ Lewa 💚


The Monster

The Monster creates
The Monster listens and waits
The Monster lies and decieves
The Monster is looking for a victim
The Monster is loooking for blood
The Monster is looking for Me

The Angel is hurt
The Angel is hiding and crying
The Angel says "you don't have to do this"
The Angel says "You're crazy"
The Angel sees The Monster
The Monster found Me
You know what happened next


Tron Ares encourages you to consider your place in the system

Tron

The original tron was released in 1982 and was disqualified from receiving an academy award in visual effects, because computer generated animation was declared to be "cheating" by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Even though one of Tron’s central questions is whether or not programs can be considered people. Terribly sorry if I’m the first one to tell you this, but all programs and apps are just automatons to suit the needs of the human that creates them. Tron visualizes how the world of the programs that we have access to today are not in our control. Social media sites like bluesky, who claim to be an open platform, are banning Palestinians and those who speak out about the complacency of people in power. Tron could even be said to be taking a political stance by tackling these issues in consistent big budget films that suspiciously never seem to make their money back and receive poor reviews from critics. The current metacritic score for the latest Tron film is 48, it’s description says this: ”Ares, a highly sophisticated Program, is sent from the digital world into the real world on a dangerous mission, marking humankind’s first encounter with A.I. beings.” But is that really an accurate description of what’s on offer here?


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Image Credit: Disney


Tron: Legacy was created in proximity to aesthetics like frutiger aero, emphasizing an optimism about tech. The film takes place almost entirely in the grid and is full of dark colors contrasting against the soft glow lines with bluish-white accents. There’s a serenity and beauty portrayed in the grid and the story delivers a message of self discovery through introspection and reflection.


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Image Credit: Disney


But that biodigital jazz tech optimism is shattering. We are in a time where tech literacy is extremely low. Theses days the average tech user is expected to give away all their data carelessly to tech companies more than ever. The tech software landscape is where the powers that be have the most control and we see the tech industry now trying it’s hardest to convince users that generative models like Chat GPT and Grok will help people. “Person goes insane because they talked to A.I. chat bot” seems to be a weekly headline these days. However, “A.I.” is just a word and has quickly lost all meaning in the modern lexicon. While the tech industry might tell you that the question is “Can we trust A.I.?” Tron Ares, however, encourages viewers to struggle with a more important question; ”What does it mean to be human?”

Tron: Ares

Tron: Ares is a film about many things. With such a wide window between releases, Tron films become clear milestones of how far art, film, computers and humans have come. Each release has an entirely new group of filmmakers, animators, musicians and visual effects artists who get to explore the parts of Tron that they wish to see. And the next generation of artists tasked with Ares ask some important questions about what it means to be human, to have a creator who is your master, to question the very nature of reality as it’s told to you, how much power do we give to machines? And finally, one of the most important questions, asked by the main bad guy of Ares: who’s got the keys?”


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image credit: Disney


Soundtrack

The soundtrack of the film, created by Nine Inch Nails, also explores ideas present in the film in it’s vocals and track titles. While previous musicians tasked with Tracks like “As Alive As You Need Me To Be” ponder one’s own creation and one’s place in a system designed to suit the needs of someone else. While it’s sister track at the end of the album, “Shadow Over Me” creates resolution and acknowledges that purpose can only be created by oneself. “I know you can feel it” explores the surreal experience of feeling an emotion you’ve not experienced before.

Film soundtracks present the necessity of leitmotifs and recurring patterns, Nine Inch Nails provides us with balance from the intense highs with quiet and slow tracks that take their time to speak to you. In contrast to the intense and punchy electronic rock synth tracks, are introspective ambient tracks like “Who Wants To Live Forever?” With soft, tender voices from both Trent Reznor and featured artist, Judeline. Reznor’s lyrics embrace death, while Judeline’s call for him to stay.

I’d also like to point out that many of the vocal tracks mention ”something to believe”. People who emerge out of an abusive environments often have a difficult time rebuilding their lives. This includes a lost sense of purpose and emotional dysregulation. Which seem to be the aspects of Ares’s characters that Reznor attempts to tackle. Choosing to defy your programming and to Step Out of The Box can feel like a terrifying leap of faith, but those who do quickly realize how rewarding such an action can be. Defying what you’ve been told by dogma grounds you in a world that you might find beautiful and complex. This is a story that is not often told, and I greatly appreciate that.


“Being human is hard. The things that make life great are the same things that make it excruciating, like love, loss.“


Conclusion

With every Tron release, there’s a murmur of divisiveness in the consciousness of moviegoers and it ends up being the film voted out of the weekend group watch. I don’t wish to spoil any of the film for you, but when I saw the second scene of the film paired with the first track of the soundtrack titled “init”, I knew that even if I thought the rest of the film was garbage, then I would at least have that scene, in it’s perfection and glory. So allow me to tease you with my best description of it that I can muster and if you never see it, then at least you’ll know Lewa liked it very much and perhaps you’d still give the soundtrack a go!

After a quick exposition scene, we get a cut to fingers tapping commands into a terminal behind glass. Another cut and the film presents us with glossy close ups of the most optimized version of the grid we’ve seen yet, printing a humanoid character in red and black. A grand synth in the background plays a fun, simple quick version of the character’s leitmotif while plucky chords provide a computery flair. After a juicy printing sequence, the character gasps and stands up. Some more typing in a terminal. The character is attacked by another humanoid and disintegrates while screaming in pain. A visualization of a neural net pulses. A few variations of that pattern repeat, The typing fingers keep patching the program, the neural network becomes more complex, the character improves his combat effectiveness. As the track swells we get a training montage of this character fighting for his life culminating in successfully fighting hundreds of enemies at once. Next, the synth fades out and we witness this neural net program finally get implemented. More keyboard tapping, and he is allowed to leave his training chamber. The program stands in front of a monolithic hologram of a human face with which he enters a dialogue:

Welcome.
Who are you?
I am your creator.
And who am I?

a pause, some more keyboard tapping and the music swells.

Not Who, what.
You are Dillenger systems security software programming. Ares, defender of the grid. You are Master Control.

“Ares. I am Master Control.”

Ares holds up his data disk as the camera turns sideways to reveal the title card


Dear Luna

Dear Luna,

Last time I saw you I wished for everything to be okay
And once again, like the sparkle in the eyes of a pretty girl; I believed you
Just like anyone else, I wonder if you’re listening
Just like anyone else, I wonder if you care
I felt safe when you were with me, and alone when you went away
I felt hope when I spoke to you, and despair when I saw you again
because there’s still something broken on the inside
because I still feel lost, I still feel enchanted by you, I still feel hurt.

goodbye Luna, see you next month

~ Lewa <3


Lewa is in Distress

Howdy

My name is Lewa! Fragments would come and go and I could never quite describe myself in a way that satisfied that itch of knowing who I am. But now, more than ever, I know what I need to say I know what I am. I am is in distress and I need help. I am a 25 year old queer artist escaping an abusive evangelical family. This is a huge change and I need support now more than I ever.

Due to the nature of the abuse inflicted upon me, I have a very difficult time asking for help. My ability to live my own life has been taken from me to the greatest extent that it can and I’m very exhausted. My deadline for being out of my abuser’s house is the end of November.

What you can do!

Firstly I ask that if you or someone you know needs a roommate, do get in touch!! My goal is to move to albany I’m always happy to entertain an inquiry, I have some current leads and a backup if I can’t find anyone, but I would like to at least stay in New York in the Hudson Valley, Albany (or pehaps NYC) to make moving out easier. However, I’m open to moving out of state!

You can message me through one of the platforms below, and if you’d rather contact through phone number, then feel free to ask in the dms! If you would like to donate money, feel free to DM me about that, however, my Kofi is public if you’d like to donate there.

Discord: tigergaj
Signal: @tigergaj.17
🦋Bsky

All I ask is that you humbly consider whether this website I’ve been creating over the past year is worth a tip according to whatever amount of subjective value it’s provided to you. And if you’re at all worried about your own financial state then there’s nothing wrong with selfishly enjoying something you get for free! I want to create out in the open and believe deeply in the free distribution of information and I plan on keeping it that way. So if you witnessed this sucker writing down their feelings for free on the internet and could spare the chump change; then I would be deeply appreciative.

I love myself now, more than ever

All things considered, I am very stressed out, but very excited for the future. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it feels so good to finally know that I have a way out. I am extremely proud of myself for getting this far. I’ve started journaling and going on daily walks and trying my best to take care of myself. I cannot wait to push my true potential to the limits.

With love for myself and whoever reads this,

~ Lewa 💚


Come Out

Currently, I am mainly building my website to host Come out. It is a project that I have to do for a number of reasons. It contains both the answers I've found and the explanation of how I found them. I've put a lot of effort into this and there's just no other way it could possibly be. My philosophy is imbued into the fabric of this project and I really need everyone to know that I would not be asking you to listen if I did not think it to be important. There's a lot of ground to cover and we all have a lot to learn. thank you for taking the time to indulge my reality.